A few days ago my beauty sleep was aburptly disrupted by the annoying sound of my cell phone rigning at an ungodly hour. Anyone that knows me, knows that calling me before the sun is up is a no no. Without checking the caller ID I answered the phone with my best, "Who the fuck is this?" voice. On the other end I could hear heavy breathing; and I knew I wasn't in the mood for a bunch of fuckery. However, the heavy breathing registered as sobbing and I checked the caller ID and recongized my besti's number. Alarmed by her call I quickly woke up. After a brief assesment, I was happy to learn it wasn't a, I got my ass whiped or somebody died call.
She informed me that her man dumped her because she wasn't willing to please him. (At that point I put her on hold to pour myself a glass of wine. Yes it was only 5:15am and some change but I knew I needed a sip to get through this.) Trying to be sensitive I knew I had to take the bait so I asked her, "please him how?" She told me through snotty sighs that he broke up with her because she wouldn't let him perform anal sex, do cum shots or spank her. After hearing that I gulped my wine down in one big swallow and poured another glass. Because of her rejection of not sexually satisfying him, their six year relationship was over in a matter of a lack of a cum shot.
I do agree with him on one front, if you are a dead lay I will cut that ass losse. Yes, sex is very important in a relationship and at times there aren't any deal breakers. With that said I had to give her my assessment of the situaiton. After a few poor babies I had to lay out the truth. I simply told her to get over herself and her own insecurities. My saying has always been, "If you can't be a freak with your mate, who will you be a freak for?" As black women we have so many hang ups about our sexuality and own self-worth. However, in a relationship one is suppose to and should feel safe with their mate.
I don't think it was so much her going, "ewww that's gross" but I think what got him (and what most men will not admit) is the fact she rejected him as her intimate partner and he understood on some elementary level that she didn't feel safe enough to trust him. Upon further discovery, my besti informed me that this is someting he would like to do in the FUTURE, so damn she just cut him off at the pass! Like oh fuck no, I will not be doing that shit never ever never!! Men don't respond well when they are rejected before the horse is out of the gate. No pun intended!
However, women that do immediate sexual rejection need to be careful, because as one of my favorite commediens Mo'nique put it so eloquently, "What your woman won't do, a nasty bitch like me will!" So many men are leaving their relationships for the lady that knows how to the "nasty bitch". That sentiment resonated with me so strongly, because I'm that lady and when I got over myself, my bullshit and insecurities I learned the beauty of trusting my mate and they have assisted grealty in unleashing the nasty bitch within. Why? Because I am safe and trust my mate with my most precious gift of embracing my sexuality.
So I told her to talk to him. Let him know your fears. Stop being the big bad super woman and allow your man to be a man. Work through your shit and then work through it together. You just can't throw away six years. And by the way do something freaky one step at a time. Trust me they will appreciate the baby steps.
